June 4, Just Another Saturday

From my journal:

Today was mostly just another Saturday.  The boys played basketball in the early morning and came back for a dip in the pool.  The aunts were cleaning the house from top to bottom.  The daughters, daughter-in-law, and our kids gathered too.  The grandkids played and bickered and ran and laughed.  By noon we were all there.   Things looked good.  Mostly things looked like they always look.  There were just a few foreign items to remind us of the changes happening.  An oxygen tank here.  A pile of unsorted mail there.

We were waiting (as we have all become accustomed to).  It has a familiar anxiety to it.  But today was not the agonizing wait like before or after surgery.  Or like waiting for word from an appointment.  Or waiting on the latest lab result or CT scan reading or whatever other numbers or words would determine our moods for the next while.  Today we were waiting for Mom to be home.

The phone rang—it was Mom!  But it was just to report that like us, they were waiting.  And waiting.  With that, lunch was served.  Rook was played.  The house was cleaned again.  “Quiet time” was instituted for the grandkids.   

Then suddenly, the call we’d been waiting for.  They were minutes away.  Somehow we found more things to clean and put away.  Balloons were floating.  Flower arrangements were centered on every table.  Gifts were set out.  The minutes passed, the car was sighted.  And just like thousands of other times, Mom walked in the door.

A collective sigh floated through the air.  It had really happened.  She was home.  It was exciting.  We were all smiling and laughing and hugging her.  She seemed to visibly brighten as she walked in.  She notices the balloons.  “Whose birthday are we celebrating?” she asks.  Of course it’s for her.  But her birthday’s not for another month.  We say we are celebrating today because all of the sisters are here and Tobi’s birthday is this week anyway so it’s for both of them.  And of course that’s part of it.  No one speaks of other reasons to celebrate early this year. 

She sits down and we take pictures.  Of this momentous ordinary occasion of coming through the door.  I tear up as she sits smiling with her five sisters.  Immediately I brush them away and take a breath and move on.  Not because there is shame in the tears.  Just because there will be time for tears on less-happy days to come and I want to revel in the joy of THIS day.  We take a few more pictures.  Mom with the grandkids.  Mom with all of us there.  Mom with just Dad.  We need one of them kissing--they happily oblige.  And make sure to kiss a few more times to make sure we got it on camera.  

She notices the neighbors swimming.  So she gets a little purse to hold her bag full of drainage from her new g-tube, continues sucking on her fentanyl-laced lollipop and heads out to graciously welcome them.  She has an entourage with her as she tours the backyard to see the new landscaping (a gift from a longtime friend).  And as she tours the house, she takes in the cleanliness of it all and thanks her sisters profusely.  She notices the dusting and straightening and love that have been poured into it. 

We let her sit for a minute before we bring in the cake and sing Happy Birthday.  Again, I tear up but get it together by the end of the song.  We eat Blue Bell and have cake.  She sucks on her lollipop and has some ice water.  Too soon, the hospice nurse arrives and heads down the hall with Mom and Dad. 

Some of us swim.  Some of us watch movies.  Time passes and we find we are waiting again. 

Shad and Amy take their tired kids home.  I feed my tired kids dinner.  Our waiting pays off—the nurse leaves and Mom comes down the hall.  I am getting ready to leave and my girls are crying because they want balloons.  Mom goes into Granny mode and of course wants them to each have one—no wonder all her grandkids adore her.  They get them and dance and giggle as they bounce them on the ceiling and show them proudly to their Granny.   

I revel in the minutes that are so ordinary.  She chats with her sisters—they are fussing over her and making sure she has her cornstarch pudding and pureed soup (that is too spicy, then too hot, then finally given the stamp of approval).  Tyler shows her his new boots for scout camp.  I show her my sewing project from this week (dish-towel bibs)—she pores over it, talks about how much she likes it, and gives an explanation of it to her sisters.  I love to hear her teaching them. 

Too soon, it’s time to go.  Once more, the camera is out.  I want a picture of my Mom and me together on this day.  Kisses are given.  See you soon.  So ordinary.  And yet I know that suddenly, days like this are precious and should be treasured as the miracles that they are.  Just another Saturday with Mom at home.  

June 2011 part 1 (June 2)

June came.  I saw my Mom practically every day.  I tried to keep a little bit of normalcy for my kids and kept up with my Monday grocery swap and took them to playgroup on Wednesdays most weeks.  We'd try to get to Mom's in the morning (usually around 10 am).  We'd swim and have lunch and they'd go down for naps and I'd get quality time with Mom while they slept.  And then I'd always plan on leaving for dinner at home, but most days ended up staying.  It was just so good to be near Mom and the rest of the family, it was hard to tear myself away.
Mom was in the hospital thru June 4 which meant she didn't get to be at Tyler's graduation from 8th grade on June 2.  I went with my girls and met my Dad and Aunt Penny there.  It was hot and long (like most graduations).  Ty looked so handsome.  It's hard to believe he's done with middle school.  I found myself remembering my own 8th grade graduation.  It was 1998 and Tyler was just 1 year old.  What a contrast.  But anyway, I was glad I got to be there to share that with him (even though I had to take the girls home a little early--they were going crazy on those bleachers!).

What a cutie...my little bro Tyler on June 2

Megan, me, and Brooke--32 and 4/7 weeks along

While we were at the graduation, back at the house there was a beautiful planter going in.  It was a gift from a long-time family friend and coworker of my dad.  It was one of just many kind, kind things done for Mom and our family. 

After dropping the girls off with my sis-in-law Amy, I headed up to the hospital with 4 of my aunts. By this time, all 5 of my Mom's sisters had arrived but Aunt Tami stayed behind to oversee the planting. When the rest of us got to the hospital, Mom was resting so we all grabbed some lunch in the cafeteria.  When we got in with Mom, she was in such good spirits.  It was just a joy to be with her.  She was so excited to see all the sisters and happily showed off how her hair and eyebrows were coming back.  That was such an interesting phenomenon--here she was with a body that was on its way out and yet it could still manage to make her hair grow as if she was healthy as can be.

Mom and I on June 2

Terri, Vicki, Mom, Penny, and Tobi on June 2

Tired cousins after playing all afternoon, June 2

The Rest of May

Mom was in the hospital for the rest of May.  I'd go see her every few days, sometimes with the girls, sometimes by myself.  Another Aunt (Aunt Penny) arrived around then too.  She and Tami were so helpful keeping up Mom's house while she was away, keeping an eye on my girls so I could go to the hospital without them (my sis-in-law Amy did this too), and just loving all of us.
Other than the hospital visits, life went on normally in many ways.  We finished the year of preschool, went to playgroup, kept up our grocery swapping with my friend Ashley, went to church like always, and spent time at Mom's house.  She just wasn't there.  I talked to her almost every day--usually quick chats, but enjoyable none-the-less.  She loved feeling the baby kick when I'd go for visits.  I loved showing her cute crafts I'd seen lately, helping her show Tami how to blog, and listening to her chat with her sisters. 
One of my favorite memories from this time is from Monday, May 23.  We hooked up our computer to the TV and called Mom on Skype--she joined us remotely for family home evening!  We let our kids pick the opening song--Sunbeam (of course) and Mom joined right in with their little voices, hand motions and all.  Our lesson was short (they usually are with our busy girls :) ) and it was titled "Heavenly Father and Jesus Love Me" from the nursery manual.  Megan wanted to bear her testimony and one thing she said was, "I love Granny".  So cute.  Our closing song was "I Feel My Savior's Love" and it was pretty poignant to sing it with my Mom that night.  Especially the line "He knows I will follow Him, give all my life to Him".  Both of our voices were faltering a little by the end.  But it was a great few minutes spent with her--even if it was remotely.  I love the way primary songs make me feel.  Here are the words--we only sang the first verse and chorus with her, but I really love the second and third verses also.

1. I feel my Savior’s love

In all the world around me.

His Spirit warms my soul

Through ev’rything I see.

Chorus:

He knows I will follow him,

Give all my life to him.

I feel my Savior’s love,

The love he freely gives me.

2. I feel my Savior’s love;

Its gentleness enfolds me,

And when I kneel to pray,

My heart is filled with peace.

3. I feel my Savior’s love

And know that he will bless me.

I offer him my heart;

My shepherd he will be.

Aunt Tobi came all the way from Malaysia.  She arrived on May 28 and I got to pick her up at the airport.  She had been traveling for more than 24 hours and didn't even want to drop her bags off at the house before going to see Mom at the hospital.  So we took her straight there and I went to visit Mom too.  Their tender reunion was another favorite memory from that time.  Tobi walked in and just held Mom and told her she loved her while they both cried.  Watching my aunts and my Dad care for Mom prior to and during an NG tube insertion was pretty amazing too.  Tami was massaging her feet and talking calmly to help her relax, Tobi was holding her hands, Dad was at the bedside making sure the nurse had everything right.  And it was.

 

Penny and Mom at the hospital, May 25

Mom and Tami, May 25

Mom and me, May 25 (31 and 3/7 weeks)

Stewart Beach with some friends, May 27

Dan's first attempt at ribs, May 29 (yum, yum)

Going to the neighborhood pool, Memorial Day May 30

Movie time with the cousins after a Memorial Day BBQ at my parents' house, May 30.  Also, my Mom's best friend from growing up/high school/college came out for the weekend and it was great to finally meet Randy Jane.  I enjoyed watching them interact and hearing stories from my Mom's childhood and high school years.  The grandkids LOVED Randy (and her iPhone).

May 31 was one of the most challenging days I've ever experienced.  My Mom was scheduled for surgery.  Not to remove the rapidly spreading cancer, but a desperate attempt to find some way to bypass her bowel obstruction so she would be a candidate for more chemo.  We were expecting a long and possibly complicated surgery.  I spent the morning reading up on colostomy care since if the bypass was successful, she'd likely come home with one of those.
But then, a little after 2 pm, the phone rang.  It was my Dad.  He said Mom was still in the recovery room and was doing fine.  He'd just spoken with her surgeon--the surgery had not gone as planned.  When the surgeons opened her up, they couldn't believe how complex and advanced her cancer was.  They couldn't even get to the bowel obstruction to attempt to go around it.  They were able to place a G-tube (soft tube coming out from her stomach that would allow her to have a liquid diet--she hadn't been able to eat anything since she'd been in the hospital).  There was nothing more they could do.
The plan now was to get her home as soon as possible.  And then in my Dad's words--"She'll come home.  And we'll have time.  And there will be good days and bad days."  But we were done with chemo and surgery and hope of a long life.  It was hard.  It was so surreal.  I spent the next hour poring over talks and found a quote that helped me gather myself to take care of my kids and hold it together the rest of the day.

"Each of us will have our own Fridays--those days when the universe itself seems shattered and the shards of our world lie littered about us in pieces.

"But I testify to you in the name of the One who conquered death--Sunday will come. In the darkness of our sorrow, Sunday will come.

"No matter our desperation, no matter our grief, Sunday will come. In this life or the next, Sunday will come." Joseph B. Wirthlin

 

Home from the hospital! (again)

Mom got out of MD Anderson for that partial bowel obstruction on May 20.  So on May 21, we all gathered to spend the day with her.  Mom was sick of the hospital!  She got up, put on her makeup, wore a cute skirt and earrings and a brave face.  She looked beautiful.  We all had hopes that Mom could join us swimming this day--but she didn't feel up to it.  She was certainly not feeling her best, but she had a great time with my Dad, her sister Tami, 4 of her 5 children and 6 of the 11 grandchildren around her.  It was a precious day.  She was back in the hospital the next day on May 22--this time her bowel was completely obstructed.  Here are some pics from our day with her on May 21.

Me and my little fish

Mom, Amy, and Molly (just 2 1/2 months old)

Megan, Chloe, and Brooke--all snuggled in for a movie after swimming

Granny and Brooke

Granny and Megan

Preschool 2010-2011

Megan and I had  blast with our first year of preschool.  We did it with 5 other kids from the ward (4 other girls and 1 boy) and it was on Wednesday mornings from 9 to 11:30.  I enjoyed the weeks teaching, but I also enjoyed the weeks in between when I had a few hours of time with just one kiddo to keep track of.   I am amazed at how much Megan changed just during the school year!  And for the record, Megan took her first dance class this year too.  It was at the home of a sister in the ward for 8 weeks from March to May and she LOVED it.  Unfortunately, I didn't get any dance class pics.  But, here's a picture from when preschool started on Aug. 30, 2010 and one from the second-to-last day on May 18, 2011.

Summer Dresses

When I saw these adorable dresses for just $5 at WalMart, I couldn't resist.  They were the perfect thing to get me in the mood for summer.  I immediately called my Mom to tell her all about them.  She couldn't wait to see them in person.  Unfortunately, she was back in the hospital.  A new one this time, MD Anderson.  She was admitted May 15 for a partial bowel obstruction.
After the devastating news from May 2 that the cancer was back and spreading, I felt like the cancer had won and all hope was lost.  But once I got home and saw Mom in person and learned about the options available, I was feeling cautiously optimistic about the study she was enrolling in.  The drug combination had led to a slow down or reversal in cancer growth in something like 11 of the 13 people it had been tried on thus far.  I was slowly beginning to accept that the 30 years more I had hoped to have with her (or even the 5 I had been really counting on since her diagnosis) might be much, MUCH shorter.  But the studies she was looking at gave me hope she'd be here through the summer at least.  And she was so full of life and energy--it just seemed unreal that her body was so full of cancer.  If anyone seemed the perfect candidate for these studies, it was her!  But you can't have chemo when you have a bowel obstruction, so we had to get that out of the way first. 

Megan on May 15--*Blue striped leggings not included...but such a lovely accessory :)

Brooke on May 15

Mom, Dad, and Tyler in the hospital, May 18 (pic taken by my brother Shad)

Granny, Brooke, and Megan on May 19.  Mom got to see the girls' dresses in person this day.  We stopped by her room briefly and my Dad walked over to eat his lunch there too.  We got to meet her doctor at MD Anderson (Dr. Coleman) and he was great.  Meeting with him was reassuring.  He was kind and capable and genuinely interested in the best outcome for my Mom.  I am friends with the daughter of one of his colleagues and I hoped that he would feel more connected to Mom because of that.  I wanted her to be more than just another name for him, I wanted him to be familiar with her as the wonderful person that she is. I also loved just watching Mom and Dad interact at the hospital.  Their kisses and the way they talked so familiarly and routinely about their day were so comforting.  

We brought lunch to eat with Granny!  She enjoyed her clear liquids while we ate our pb&h.

Mom and me on May 19 (30 weeks and 4 days pregnant)

 

Megan and Brooke enjoying the hospital crackers.  My Mom is always able to find "treats" for her grandbabies--even with limited resources!

You know it's been a long time since blogging when...

1. You finally move your pictures from the camera to the computer and there are 769 of them.
2. You realize when looking through the pictures that you have all these posts to do about the weather finally warming up...and the high today was 90.
AND finally:
3. Your last post was announcing the pregnancy that is now only 10 weeks away from being done!

Yeah. Time flies. There have been highs and lows and everything in between. I'm determined to get caught up. Mostly because this blog is my family scrapbook and I print a book for each year and don't want to leave a full quarter of the year undocumented. But I'm now using blogger in draft mode and will set things to post no more than once a day (even if I do 8 posts at once). Wish me luck!

Home Again! and a few b-days

We were so happy to be home after our Utah trip.
The day after mother's day was Monday, May 9 and I spent the day with my sisters at my parents' house.    We cleaned and played and planted flowers and got ready for my little brother's birthday celebration.  My sister Jamie and her little boy Owen had flown in for the race that weekend and we just overlapped for that day.

Dan and the girls waiting to sing Happy Birthday

The "big" kids singing...

Making his wish...

It's hard to believe that Tyler is 14!  And in an effort to celebrate authentically, Mom spent the day and night in the hospital where he was born.  She had a long Sunday night after getting a chest tube placed to reinflate her collapsed lung.  And then a long day with little improvement--that tube was kinked, argh!  That got straightened out and she was able to get out Wednesday May 11 (just in time to go meet with the doctors at MD Anderson).  She spent the next day (May 12) doing testing all day to gear up for some studies offered for ovarian cancer at MD Anderson.  And then we let her get some rest on Friday, May 13 since we were planning to spend the next day with her.

While we were waiting for those few days for my Mom to get home and rest up a little, the girls and I spent some quality time splashing with our playgroup, tending our garden, and splashing in the backyard.

Playgroup, May 10

Cute pigtails and messy face, May 13

Lunchtime, May 13

New swimsuits!  May 13

 

First fruits of our labors!  

Look at that!  So many healthy plants--it's amazing what a little water, soil, and sunlight will do! May 13

Finally, on Saturday May 14 we got to see my Mom!  We also celebrated my niece Chloe's 3rd birthday...and it was Dan's and my 6th anniversary.  We spent the day with my family and went home at bedtime ready to enjoy some Pei Wei takeout and watch the latest Twilight movie after the girls were in bed (yes, my husband loves me to watch Twilight with me :) ).

Dan and Brooke walking from Granny's to my brother's house across the street for Chloe's party...

Granny and Megan...

Princess Megan and Princess Chloe...

My Mom and my girls...

Princess hair...

Brooke trying to take good care of baby Molly...

 

Granny helping Megan with her newly made princess bracelet...