The feelings from those days are hard to put into words. I remember how soft Mom's hands were. I loved to hold her hands when I would lay by her on her bed. She would softly rub her thumb over my hand, back and forth, back and forth--just like when I was a little girl. I remember my sweet 14 year old brother coming in for a few minutes at a time, laying his head on her shoulder and kissing her forehead. She'd kiss his cheek and they'd say I love you. I loved watching Mom and Dad snuggle. Their love was so apparent. I remember how even in her weak and tired state, she made me feel loved and special. Anytime she heard a baby crying or the children whining, she'd perk up and ask whoever was sitting with her to check and make sure the children were cared for. She remained who she always had been. Being in her room was being in a sacred place. It was so peaceful. As hard as the whole experience was, I can't deny the peace I felt (and continue to feel).
I remember that while I saw Mom on June 20 and June 21, I didn't see her on June 22. I did call though and was so anxious to tell her I loved her. She was resting and I was so relieved when we finally connected and got to say our I love yous. Mom was mostly confined to her room at that point. She was getting weaker but was still totally lucid.
Grandpa and Megan snuggling with Granny, June 21
We all took turns sitting with her on her bed, refilling her water or her root beer (the only thing that was tasting good to her at that point). She made the choice to have some supplemental fluids that week. It was an interesting debate of whether or not to do that. Giving her supplemental fluid would likely extend her life--and at that point, our goal was to increase her comfort, not necessarily her life span. But since the fluids would probably increase her comfort as well, she opted to do it. She just wanted so badly to be there when my sister Jamie arrived with her 5 children. They were able to change their flights and arrived in the afternoon on Thursday, June 23. This was Mom's last day to have any supplemental fluids. I had a doctor's appointment that morning and then spent the rest of the day at Mom's. She was excited to hear that the baby was doing well.
Swimming with all the cousins, June 23
Baba, Amy, and Dan, June 23
Dad was anxious for all of his and Mom's children to be together. Tyler arrived home around 8:30 pm. And then we all gathered on Mom's bed. Mom, Dad, Jamie, Carrie, Shad, me, and Tyler. It was such a relief to finally be ALL together. We talked and laughed and cried. We shared favorite memories from our childhoods with our amazing parents. We listened to our parents bear testimony of the truth of the gospel and that families can be together forever. We speculated with Mom about who she would see and what she would do when she got to the other side. It was one of the most beautiful hours of my life. None of us wanted it to end. We ended with family prayer. Instead of kneeling like we usually do, we each held onto Mom. It was so peaceful to be with her and be with each other.
This family prayer became our nightly ritual.
Friday June 24, I sent the kids to a friend's house for the day. I got to Mom's around 9:30 am. My Aunt Tami had been in with Mom and I took over for her. Mom was sleeping and I just laid down by her for about 2 hours. We both slept and off and on as she was able to. I helped her get sips of water as she needed them. Around 11:30, I was ready for lunch and my Dad came in to be with Mom. He came out a little later and said that Mom wanted to be alone for a few hours. This was such a hard thing for all of us. Dad was a fierce protector of her wishes even as it pained him just as much to not be with her that afternoon. So--we played Rook. We talked. We cried. Dad went in to check on her every so often. I went to pick up Dan. Suddenly, Mom called Dad back to her and said she wanted to come out and watch the grandkids swim. My sisters and brothers all gathered the kids and said Hurry--get your suits on! Mom spent about half an hour out in the front room enjoying the view.
Tyler, Mom, Carrie
Tyler, Mom, Baba, Jamie
When I got back Dad said--Hurry, Mom was just out here watching the kids swim, she's just getting settled back in her room. So I ran in and hugged and kissed her and she told me she loved me. After that, she again insisted on solitude. A family friend and church leader dropped in on his way to catch a flight and shared a prayer with us. As Dan and I prepared to leave that night, we shared another family prayer with everyone at the house. And at Mom's request, we prayed that our Heavenly Father would take her home. I fully expected a call to come during the night. But, like birth, death is a process--a labor of sorts. All the signs are there, you know it's coming, but the timing is hard to predict.
So, she held on. She gave us all a few more moments. She was awake on Saturday but was in a dream world. We were back to having someone with her at all times. We increased her pain medication Saturday so she'd be able to relax and rest. By the late afternoon, she was finally able to fall asleep. She slept the rest of that day. We again gathered for family prayer with my siblings. She slept most of the day Sunday. Sunday afternoon, my sister Carrie was in with her and "The Sound of Music" was on. Mom woke up and was singing along, so we brought in all of the grandkids to sing "I Am a Child of God". Mom smiled and sang along with them. Then each grandchild got to give Granny a kiss.
Tyler and Mom, June 26 (right after the grandkids finished singing)
Monday and Tuesday Mom was asleep all day. She'd stir occasionally when we'd give her kisses. Sometimes she'd squeeze back when we held her hands. We sat with her. Sometimes in silence, sometimes we'd sing to her. Or I'd listen to Jamie sing to her (mostly I cried). The 5 kids and Dad gathered Monday night and sang songs to Mom. Again, mostly I'd cry. But it was so nice to be together. That night for family prayer, Dad said it was "Mom's turn". He said he'd act as voice. It was a tender moment. Tuesday night, the whole house gathered for family prayer. I kissed her goodnight and so did Megan and Brooke.
Dan was working from home that week so he'd be available if anything happened. Wednesday, June 29 I went to playgroup at the pool at 10 am with the girls and planned to head down to Mom's around noon. At 11, the girls and I were eating our lunches by the pool when I noticed Dan pulling into the parking lot--I knew that could only mean one thing. Mom had gone to her heavenly home a little after 10 in the morning. My sisters and my Dad had spent the morning carefully getting Mom bathed, changing the sheets, and putting on her favorite pajamas. When they finally settled her back onto her pillow, she stopped breathing and peacefully slipped away.
I was in a daze. I was so thankful that her suffering was over. But I knew now the hard task of continuing to live without her would begin. We told the girls that Granny had gone to heaven. We dropped them off with a friend and headed down to see Mom's body at home for the last time. After a few hours, the funeral home director arrived with the undertaker and they took Mom's body away. They left a long-stemmed rose on her pillow and seeing the empty space where she had just been was difficult. The hospice worker arrived and was very kind.
Some things from around Mom's room:
All of the grandkids were away for the afternoon. It was my siblings, our spouses, Aunt Tami, Baba, and Dad at the house. We swam. We talked. We ran errands and cleaned house and changed sheets and went to the championship swim meet. It was so strange to be there.
Our family has been on the same neighborhood swim team for 27 summers. It was just like so many other swim meets. And yet so much had changed. Tyler and my niece and nephew swam and did great. We cheered for them. And reeled that Mom wasn't with us and wasn't waiting at home. Our time on earth with her was over. But what a sweet time it was while it lasted
Video by my sister Jamie
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